a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
