What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I know her cup size but not her name....
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
