i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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