Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
