Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
