my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
