I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I supernannyed him into submission
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
