this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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