Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
