fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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