im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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