I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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