oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
