i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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