Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I have fence marks all over my body
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
