one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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