So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Even my vagina gasped.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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