4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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