I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
