I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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