Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
