I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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