Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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