You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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