my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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