paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
