I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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