There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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