I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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