The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
