Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
