She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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