I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
