dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
