I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
