Tell her she can't have a vagina
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
