i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
