at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
