Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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