Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
