Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
