Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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