I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
