I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
