for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
