Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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