You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
