the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
This house was built for laser tag.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
