They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
