Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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