I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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