this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
