Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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