Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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