gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
