I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
